Fun Time
by Bexxii Cullen
Summary: A collection of short conversations had by our favourite Twilight characters or not so favourite . Contains bad humour and language and is FUN!
1. Wanna go me, homie?

_**A/N : Once there was a girl. That girl caught pneumonia and died, but that's beside the point. These are a collection of random stories that I made. They contain bad language and bad humour, but who gives a damn? I sure don't! Anyway, please review for more and I don't own Twilight…**_

_**First on the list of random conversations had by the Twilight characters, Bella and Jasper have a word war and Edward turns into the world's comeback king!**_

_Jasper, Bella, Emmett, Alice and Rosalie are sitting around in the lounge room of the Cullen's house. They are severely bored._

Bella : Jasper.

Jasper : Bella.

Bella : Jasper.

Jasper : Bella.

Bella : Jasper.

Jasper : WHAT?! Jeez!

Bella : Wanna fight?

Jasper : … Is Edward around?

Bella : Nope.

Jasper : … Yeah, alright.

Bella : What was that?

Jasper : I said yes.

Bella : Oh you said yes?

Jasper : -confused- I said yes I want to fight you.

Bella : YOU WANNA GO ME, HOMIE?

Jasper : Bring it on, tampon!

Bella : Let's go, ho!

Jasper : Too far, red car!

Bella : Ooh, witty!

Jasper : Just cause you can't think of better.

Bella : YO MOMMA!

Jasper : Don't start with me, mortal girl!

Bella : Oh I went there!

Jasper : You went there?

Bella : Yeah I went there. I went there took some pictures and I'm back already, planning a trip to go again!

Jasper : Bring it!

Bella : I already brought it, you just can't keep up!

Jasper : JUST LIKE YO MOMMA!

Bella : What you talking bout my momma?

Jasper : Just that she so fat that when she wear a yellow coat people shout 'cab'!

Bella : OH NO YOU DIDN'T!

Jasper : I did!

Bella : You didn't!

Jasper : I did, and I'll do it again!

-silence-

Bella : YOU'RE GOING TO F%*&G DIE!

-silence-

Emmett : Whoa, dude…

_

* * *

_

_Edward, Rosalie and Alice are playing catch in the front yard of the Cullen house. Bella is away with Charlie for the weekend. Edward is severely traumatised after Alice replays Jasper and Bella's 'fight' for him in her head. They are severely bored._

Rosalie : Oh, come on Edward, it's not that bad.

Alice : Yeah, it was actually really funny. Besides, at least it didn't get out of hand.

Edward : -twitchy- NOT THAT BAD? My girlfriend could easily outsmart me with her speedy comebacks and you tell me it's not that bad? Are you kidding!

Rosalie : Oh have a cry…

Edward : MAYBE I WILL!

Alice : -scoffs- Well with comebacks like that maybe it is a bad thing…

Edward : SEE MY POINT?

Alice : Yes, I do believe I do… We need to smarten you up just a shade.

Edward : EXCELLENT!

Alice : Yes. Ok, so say Bella asks you to fight her, what do you say?

Edward : No, of course-

Alice : WRONG! You instantly hit her with 'I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?'

Rosalie : Hahaha! That's a good one!

Edward : But it's… -shudder- mean!

Rosalie : -rolls eyes- Pussy.

Alice : Well duh, that's what you need to do. Ok, so say Bella says 'A thought just crossed my mind' You say, 'Must have been a long a lonely journey.'

Edward : That's funny… But still very mean.

Alice : You'll get used to it. Ok. If you ask a question and she says 'I don't know' or something, you say…?

Edward : 'It'll come to you, love'?

Alice : NO! Try again.

Edward : 'Have you considered suing your brains for non-support'?

-silence-

Alice : PERFECT!

Rosalie : Good work, Eddie.

Edward : I'm busy now, Rose, can I ignore you some other time?

Alice : -laughs-

Rosalie : Hey! That wasn't nice!

Edward : You mistake me for someone who gives a damn.

Alice : -falls on ground laughing-

Rosalie : Stop that, Edward, you're being mean.

Edward : Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

Alice : -pounds the ground with laughter-

Rosalie : -dry sobs- HOW DARE YOU?

Edward : YO MOMMA'S SO FLAT SHE'S JEALOUS OF THE WALL!

-silence-

Alice : Too far, man…


	2. Ray wants his face back

_**A/N : Once there was a girl. That girl caught pneumonia and died, but that's beside the point. These are a collection of random stories that I made. They contain bad language and bad humour, but who gives a damn? I sure don't! Anyway, please review for more and I don't own Twilight…**_

_**In tonight's episode, the Cullens get up to mischief at the local mall and Edward annoys the hell out of everyone with his comebacks.**_

_Bella, Edward, Alice, Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie are at the shopping mall, being their usual devilish selves when Emmett spots something…_

Emmett : OH MY JASPER!

-silence-

Emmett : -embarrassed- I mean, uh, oh my Rosalie?

-chatting resumes-

Emmett : OH MY ROSALIE!

Alice : What's up, Emmett?

Jasper : What is it, Cullen?

Bella : Yeah, what is up, Emmett Cullen.

Jasper : Hey Bella, why not try making up your own jeers for once, huh?

Bella : -unloved-

-all look at Edward suggestively-

Edward : What? Why is it my problem?

Rosalie : MAYBE because she's your girlfriend, perhaps?

Edward : Shut up…

-random girl walks up eyeing Edward-

RG : Hey baby, what's your sign?

Edward : Warning, I bite.

RG : -laughs- You're funny. I'd go through anything for you.

Edward : Let's start with you bank account!

RG : -chuckles nervously- Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Edward : Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

RG : Hahaha… Uh, so do you want to come back to my place?

Edward : I dunno, will two people fit under a rock?

RG : Um, well, can I have your number?

Edward : It's in the phonebook.

RG : But I don't know your name…

Edward : That's in the phonebook too.

RG : Oh. Well. Uh. What do you do for a living?

Edward : I'm a male impersonator.

RG : That's so… funny. Well, I should be prepared. How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Edward : Unfertilized.

RG : -getting desperate- Hey, come on, we're both in this mall for a reason!

Edward : Yeah, I know. Let's pick up some chicks!

RG : URGH! I give UP! -cries and runs away-

-silence-

Alice : That was REALLY mean, Edward.

Bella : -awed- But SO funny.

Rosalie : That's besides the point, that girl was just trying to be nice.

Edward : Did you ever hear of suicide, it's this new trend that is sweeping the nation. I would try it, but it has some side effects; death, pain, you also need to be a very depressed person. Since I know you are depressed about that thing on you head you call a face, I want you to try it out. Then could you tell me how it goes.

Rosalie : STOP DOING THAT!

Edward : Hey Rosalie, Ray Liotta called, he wants his face back. And he was in the car with Rosie O'donnell, and she wants her pantsuit back. They were heading over to the bar to throw darts at your picture, because your red nose makes a good bullseye. The thing is they couldn't stay long because they had to go back to Petsmart and pick up your girlfriend from her grooming, Then throw her in the trunk for weight, so the car wouldn't slip in the snow.

Alice : Ooh Rose, would you like some ice for that burn!

Bella : Edward, being mean isn't cool.

Edward : Making people vomit by showing them your face isn't cool either, babes.

Bella : Since when are you so mean? And since when did you call me 'babes'?

Emmett : Damn Edward, I can't believe you. When'd you grow balls?

Edward : Well obviously before you…

Rosalie : DON'T TALK TO HIM LIKE THAT!

Edward : You're right, I'm sorry… that your 300th mirror broke when you looked in it!

Rosalie : Shut your face!

Jasper : Hey… I haven't spoken in a while…

-silence-

Bella : Your point?

Jasper : … I don't know…

Edward : Ever thought of suing your brain for non-support?

Alice : Hey! That's my comeback!

Edward : Jealous that your not as smart as me?

Alice : Stop it!

Edward : Have a cry.

Jasper : Shut up, Edward!

Edward : Bring it!

-they start to walk away-

Alice : Hey Emmett, what did you see that was so shocking, anyway?

Emmett : I dunno…

Edward : Considered suing your-

All : SHUT UP!


	3. You wanna dance?

_**A/N : Once there was a girl. That girl caught pneumonia and died, but that's beside the point. These are a collection of random stories that I made. They contain bad language and bad humour, but who gives a damn? I sure don't! Anyway, please review for more and I don't own Twilight…**_

_**And now! The epic battle you've been waiting for! BELLA VS. EDWARD: COMEBACK WAR!**_

_All the Cullens (yes ALL of them) are sitting in the lounge room. All the couples sit together, except our hero and heroin, Bella and Edward. Bella is still sour at Edward. Edward is humming happily, twiddling his thumbs._

Alice : I'm bored…

Edward : I'm surprised your brain functioned long enough for you to realise that.

Esme : EDWARD!

Carlisle : That's not nice, son.

Edward : Neither is your face, grandpa!

Rosalie : -tantrum- URGH! This has to stop! Edward, you're so full of yourself! Cullens, huddle!

-CULLEN HUDDLE TIME IN THE CLOSET-

Rosalie : NOT you Edward, you're not a Cullen while your being so mean!

Edward : I hate you all… -storms out-

Esme : So, uh, what are we doing in the closet?

Rosalie : Oh, uh, you and Carlisle don't really know what's going on. You can go.

-PARENTAL UNIT FUN TIME POOF-

Rosalie : Where'd they go? Oh, that's not important right now, we'll find them later. The point is, somebody needs to put Edward in his place, he's getting out of hand.

Emmett : Right.

Jasper : Yeah!

-sense of urgency like in those movies-

Alice : I created the monster, I'll take responsibility. I'll do it.

Jasper : NO! You're not strong enough!

Alice : I can do it!

Rosalie : No, Jasper's right, Alice. He'll just throw all your weapons back in your face.

Jasper : I'll do it…

Emmett : No, you can't!

Rosalie : There's only one person strong enough to beat Edward…

-mad cackling-

Bella : To defeat the comeback king, you come to the comeback queen…

Rosalie : Will you do it?

Bella : Yes. But it will come at a price…

-le gasp-

Rosalie : -horrified- What price?

Bella : Can I have a lava cake from that pizza place? They look really good.

Rosalie : Sure, why not? Ok, let's go!

_**And so the battle begins! **__The Cullens (excluding parental units) are gathered in the lounge room. They're standing in a circle around Edward and Bella who are glaring at each other._

Emmett : TONIGHTS EPIC BRAWL IN THE SPECIAL CO-ED MATCHUP, INTRODUCING TWO NEW COMBATANTS! IN THIS CORNER, THE VOLUPTUOUS, THE VICIOUS… VIXEN! YUMMY. AND IN THIS CORNER. THE ALL POWERFUL. THE ALL AMERICAN. MAN. OF. STEEL! I CAN'T WAIT!

-silence-

Alice : You stole that STRAIGHT from Smallville, season six, episode Combat when Clark battles the phantom zone escapee Titan in the internet fight club. Maddox says that exact line when introducing the Clark and Lois.

Emmett : … Can we just have the war?

Alice : Yeah, alright.

Emmett : First round! DING DING DING!

Edward : How come you always wear those type of clothes, anyway? They're so OLD.

Bella : Why do I wear these clothes? Why do you wear that mask? Halloween is OVER!

Edward : Do you wanna dance?

Bella : … No?

Edward : Oh, I think you misheard me. I said 'You look so fat in those pants!'

Bella : Hey, I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay an admission.

Edward : Save your breath, you'll need it to inflate your boyfriend.

Bella : Which happens to be you. Calling you an idiot would be an insult to stupid people.

Edward : I'd love to ask how old you are but I know you can't count over 50.

Bella : Well if I had a face like yours I wouldn't say Hi to people, I'd say BOO.

Edward : Well, you've got the perfect weapon against muggers - your face!

KO

-comments-

Alice, human corner spokeswoman :

It was a good round. We weakened him up, even though we lost. There's still more rounds, nothing to worry about. Can't believe she got pulled into the 'dance' one, though. Disappointing…

Emmett, vampire corner spokeswoman :

Hey! I'm not on Edward's team, I just got pulled into it. Well, he WAS really funny, but I'm still rooting for Bella. She's strong, for sure.

Rosalie : ROUND TWO!

Bella : I heard you went to a haunted house and they offered you a job!

Edward : Anyone who told you to be yourself obviously gave the worst piece of advice they could.

Bella : Why don't you slip into something more comfortable, like a COMA!

Edward : Ha, that's funny. Well… Listen, are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?

Bella : You've got a face only a mother could love… unfortunately, she hates it too!

Edward : Next time you shave, try standing an inch or two closer to the blade.

Bella : Hi there, I'm a human being. What are you?

Edward : Aw that's smart. Folk clap when they see you. Clap their HANDS OVER THEIR EYES!

Bella : I heard you changed your mind. So what did you do with the diaper?

Edward : I'll never forget the first time we met, although I keep trying.

Bella : Keep talking, someday you might say something intelligent!

Edward : You're so narrow minded that when you walk your earrings knock together!

Bella : Are your parents siblings?

Edward : Don't you have a terrible empty feeling - in your skull?

Bella : Oh yeah, right! You're living proof a man can live without a brain!

Edward : Here's 20 cents, call all your friends and bring back the change!

Bella : Oh thanks. I'd love to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass!

EPIC KO!

Edward : What? That's stupid!

Rosalie : Rules are rules and you just got BURNED bad!

Alice : Go Bella!

Bella : Thanks, Alice!

Edward : Shut up and give me a comeback.

Bella : -snort- Shut up AND give you a comeback, I'm not sure that's possible.

Edward : Well maybe not for someone with such a small brain!

Rosalie : Uh, has round three begun?

Bella : How'd you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

Edward : You're not stupid, you're just possessed by a retarded ghost!

Bella : Every guy has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.

Edward : Go ahead and tell me everything you know. It'll only take ten seconds.

Bella : Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Edward : Do you want people to accept you as you are or to like you?

Bella : Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

KO

Edward : Whoa, whoa, whoa! No way! That was the shortest round ever, and that couldn't possibly be a knockout.

Bella : Aw, is Eddie sour cause he lost?

Edward : -cry-

-laughter-

Alice : So are you going to stop being a jerk?

Edward : -nod-

Rosalie : And?

Edward : -mumbles- And I guess I'm sorry… or something.

Rosalie : Like you mean it.

Edward : -sigh- Fine! I'm sorry for insulting you all and being a jackass, whatever!

_**And so, all was well in Forks. Bella and Edward conveniently forgot all the things they said about each other and went back to being out favourite loved-up love birds and everyone forgave Eddie. Until next time…**_


	4. He's sleeping over

_**A/N : Once there was a girl. That girl caught pneumonia and died, but that's beside the point. These are a collection of random stories that I made. They contain bad language and bad humour, but who gives a damn? I sure don't! Anyway, please review for more and I don't own Twilight…**_

_**Tonight we see what happens when you add Cullens with a phone and a Forks phone book!**_

_**Special thanks to my TWO reviewers! LOL You guys are so cool!**_

_The Cullens sit in the kitchen (le gasp, not in the living room?! I know, can you believe it?) next to the phone for some reason. They are all severely bored._

Emmett : The parental units are out, we're bored and the only two things they DIDN'T tell us not to touch is the phone and the phone book… What do we do?

Bella : Screw this, I'm going HOME!

Edward : NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Alice : Edward, she left five minutes ago.

Edward : Oh… She left?

Jasper : -groan- Yes!

Emmett : You don't like that, do you Eddie?

Edward : -sniff- No…

Emmett : How does it make you feel?

Edward : -bigger sniff- Abused…

Emmett : And?

Edward : Used… Unloved…

Emmett : And you'd like to do something about it?

Edward : -nod-

Emmett : … CULLENS, HUDDLE!

-CULLEN HUDDLE TIME IN THE SINK-

Emmett : Right, now- Wait, Edward, this doesn't concern you.

Edward : WHY CAN I NEVER HUDDLE? -jumps out of the sink-

Emmett : -rolls eyes- Pussy.

Edward : -distant voice- AND STOP CALLING ME THAT!

Emmett : STOP BEING ONE. Anyway, I had a thought. Phone. Phone book. Cullens. You know what that means…

Jasper : Internet porn?

Emmett : Precisely- what? No! I meant we'll prank call Bella, jeez!

Jasper : Oh! Then internet porn?

Alice : -slap-

Emmett : Ok, let's do it.

-end Cullen Huddle time-

Jasper: Was that a yes?

-silence-

_Bella : Hello, Swan residence._

_: Is this Isabella Swan?_

_Bella : Yeah, uh, who's this?_

_: Oh. My. Gosh. OMG! Hey guys, I'm onto her! -girlish squealing in the background- OMG! Izzy? It's Tanya!_

_Bella : Uh, sorry, I'm not sure I know you. Have we met before?_

_Tanya : -giggling- Well, no, but I AM your HUGEST fan!_

_Bella : Oh, uh, thank you. May I ask what is the nature of the call?_

_Tanya : Oh I just wanted to talk to the girl who pulled it off!_

_Bella : Pulled… what off, exactly?_

_Tanya : Oh, only cracked the rock hard exterior of Edward Cullen!_

_Bella : -silence-_

_Tanya : You there, Izzy?_

_Bella : Uh, yes. Um, how do you know Edward, sorry?_

_Tanya : Oh we go WAY back, Eddie and I._

_Bella : … Oh THAT Tanya? Oh wow, why didn't you say something? Wow, Tanya, er, it's great to hear from you._

_Tanya : OMG guys, did you HEAR that? -squealing- Anyway, tell us how you did it!_

_Bella : Us? It?_

_Tanya : Oh, my coven of course! Anyway, you MUST tell us how you got to Edward._

_Bella : Wow… er, I'm not really sure what to say…_

_Tanya : Well, where did you meet?_

_Bella : Yeah, um, at school. We met at Forks High._

_Tanya : Cool, cool. Very casual. So did you make the first move or did he, that day?_

_Bella : Uh, well, um… It wasn't like that… More like a gradual thing…_

_Tanya : But what was his reaction to you?_

_Bella : -laughs- Interesting._

_Tanya : Oh?_

_Bella : Let's just say he didn't really like me much…_

_: WHAT?!_

_Bella : Who was that?_

_: -wince- Don't hit me!_

_Tanya?: Nobody, uh, just… nobody._

_Bella : Right…_

_Tanya : So anyway, what did you think of the others?_

_Bella : Others? Oh, you mean the other Cullens? Yeah, they're all really great. Rosalie doesn't like me but… well, I hope she'll start soon._

_Tanya : What about the hunk, Emmett?_

_Bella : What? Emmett? Well, he's great but I don't think of him like THAT._

_Tanya : … Huh… Well, yeah, that's great._

_Bella : Was there anything else?_

_Tanya : Congratulations, Bella._

_Bella : What for?_

_Tanya : Winning Edward. It's no secret how much I want him, and of course if I was mean enough I could have him like THAT, but still…_

_Bella : -sounds scared- Uh, you're not thinking of doing that, are you?_

_Tanya : Well, y'know. I've been pretty single pretty long._

_Bella : Um…_

_: Stop it, you're scaring her!_

_Bella : What? Edward, is that you? What are you doing at Tanya's?_

_Tanya : He's sleeping over._

_Bella : … Sleeping?_

_Tanya : Oh yes. Hey! Eddie baby, don't put your hand up there!_

_Bella : What?_

_Tanya : Sorry, Izzy, we're a bit busy- Mm Eddie that feels so good…_

_Bella : NO!_

_: QUIT IT, EMMETT!_

_: Shut up, Edward, you're ruining it!_

_Bella : Emmett!_

_Tanya? : N-no, not Emmett, Tanya!_

_Bella : Emmett you suck…_

_Emmett : LOLOLOLOLOLOL_


	5. silence

**A/N : THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU **

**That's for my reviewers! You guys rule!**

_The Cullens are at lunch at their usual table, Bella joining them. Because of a huge fight, the whole school is on detention. Nobody can talk. So the Cullens pass notes._

Emmett : Yawn

Rosalie : You can't.

Emmett : I'm so bored that I can.

Edward : That's stupid, you can't yawn even if you're bored.

Bella : Don't be mean to him, he's just bored. Here, Emmett, I'll yawn for you. -yawns loudly and suggestively, earning several stares-

Emmett : Thanks Bella!

Jasper : Wow…

Alice : What, my lovely sexy nice sweet hot love machine?

Jasper : I've told you a thousand times you're NOT getting the new Prada shoes in EVERY colour, just get the colour you like best.

Alice : YOU SUCK!

Jasper : You would know.

Bella : EW

Edward : Quit it, you guys. Jasper, what did you 'wow' at?

Jasper : Well shouldn't you know? You ARE the mind rapist, after all.

Edward : Actually Jasper, I DO know, I was just trying to share it with the rest of the group.

Jasper : … MIND RAPIST.

Edward : It's alright, Jasper, you'll get a better taunt some day.

Bella : WILL YOU JUST TELL US WHAT YOU WOWED AT JASPER?

-silence-

Emmett : Wow, nice paper steal there Bella, and why'd you write silence?

Bella : Because my outburst was lonely…

Emmett : … Right…

Jasper : Anyway… MIKE… IS… GAY!

-silence-

Edward : Will everybody stop writing silence?!

-silence-

Bella : HYPOCRITE! That was you!

Edward : MY outburst was lonely.

Jasper : HELLO? Will SOMEBODY react, please?

Alice : But everyone already knew!

Jasper : But he's feeling attraction towards Eric but also embarrassment, so he's still in the closet.

Bella : Yeah, but it's SO obvious!

Alice : Exactly! What, did you think he was just a social outsider or something?

Jasper : … Maybe.

Alice : But that's Bella, silly! Mike's gay, she's the social outcast.

Bella : Hey- wait, you're right… Aw.

Jasper : NOW WHO'S EMO?

-silence-

Edward : Is it you, Jasper?

Jasper : -hangs head- Yes…

Bella : Alice, do you really think I'm a social outcast?

Alice : Yes

Emmett : Yes

Jasper : Yes

Edward : No!

Alice : So there's TWO social outcasts in the family, great!

Edward : I'm not a social outcast, I just CARE!

Alice : Does a certain Ray Liotta comment ring any bells?

-silence-

Edward : … It was funny…

Bella : Yeah, it kinda was.

Jasper : But MEAN! Jeez, I couldn't stand near Rosalie for days, she was so depressed.

Emmett : And my p-

Edward : CENSORED

Emmett : - was dormant for weeks!

Bella : Why weeks?

Emmett : I accidentally reminded her of it…

Alice : How?

Emmett : I ACCIDENTALLY called her Ray when she was

Edward : CENSORED

Emmett : -ing my

Edward : CENSORED

Emmett : -one night…

Bella : … Ew.

Jasper : I'll say…

Alice : How dumb are you?

Emmett : Not very?

Edward : More like very.

Rosalie : Duh…

-silen -

Edward : NO! NO MORE SILENCES!

-silence-

Author : Hehehe…

Emmett : Anyway, Rose, you haven't written in a while!

Rosalie : -rolls eyes- That's because detention is over. Everyone went home. I went shopping in Port Angeles and went hunting with Carlisle and Esme and then came here to tell you guys to come home.

-silence-

Emmett : Oh…

Edward : EMMETT!

Emmett : What?

Edward : Em, it's 12 'o' clock at night. Why do you still have this note anyway?

Emmett : Rose said it made her hot so I put it in her

Edward : Just… Just go home, Emmett.

Emmett : I am-

Edward : We're at Bella's house. Did you seriously just come here to pass a note?

Emmett : Rosie got bored with it…


End file.
